Came in today and already there's some brown shit spilled all over the goddamn counter. Didn't even take a week. Christ. That didn't piss me off though, what really pissed me off is that nobody even fucking bothered to wipe it up. They spilled shit and just let it dry on. I went and got some wet paper towels and wiped it right up, I swear to god I'm the only one here who fucking gives two shits about the brand-fucking new toys we've been given to play with. This sorry crew of slack-jawed lazy fucks deserves to be stuck in the old place with the piece of shit studios and equipment we had over there for all time. I mean Fuck! How can anyone just not give a shit like that? What do you think is going to happen when the boss finds out about that kind of stuff? We're already pressing our luck with him by having drinks in the studio. Why am I the only one who likes having nice things?

1. No I will not give you a refund if you don't have a receipt. It's not my fucking fault you lost it.

2. No I will not check on the computer that 25% off $99.95 is indeed $74.95. Especially when you ask in such a patronising tone. As much as you think I'm a dumbarse I actually go to uni when I'm not slaving away after fucks like you.

3. What's that? You only have 1/2/3/4 more item(s) over the limit for the changing room? Too fucking bad. People bring half the store in there and leave it all on a pile on the floor like children. That rule is in place to make sure you don't fucking do that.

4. If you're kids do something they really shouldn't (Hide in the display/climb on tables/throw food in the store/THROW STOCK AT THE STAFF/PEE ON THE FLOOR) Expect to fucking hear about it. Don't look so ruffled that you actually have to take care of your own kids.

5. Oh you're baby is screaming because it needs feeding? Well go and fucking feed it instead of continuing to browse like it doesn't sound like it's going to die.

6. Our clock clearly says 5.30. I don't give a fuck if your iphone is 2 minutes slow in comparison, we're fucking closed so fuck off, especially after dealing the fucking rest of this list and more

If you have ever been any of these people, just know that my colleges and I all dream of the day we see you as a fellow customer so we can finally tell you how much of a gigantic dickhead you are.

I'm sorry, but I can't honor a 3 month old coupon. I'm sorry, but I just ran out of free samples. And, I'm sorry, but there are other people here, too. There's nothing I can do about it, yet this makes me stupid and incompetent? You think filing a complaint containing nothing but bullshit is going to make things go your way? Gee, I didn't realize you were from Planet Dickwad. If I'd have known that, I would've told you to go fuck yourself sooner! Sorry about that!

Yes, I know the store has special cards or programs you can buy or sign up for. Those things aren't part of my wages. So, you go ahead and scream and bitch over something I did or didn't do, then cancel whatever you signed up for. I know you think you're delivering a huge blow to my paycheck, but in reality, you're making yourself look like a fucktard. Even if you WERE partly responsible for my paycheck, there are thousands of other customers here. By the way, I shop where you work. Think about that for a bit!

So, you fought in the Vietnam war to make all of North America free? You're also gay? Really? That's amazing. You're absolutely right, then. I should totally be kissing your ass and catering to your every whim, even the fucking impossible ones. It's cool to abuse status, ethnicity, gender, or sexual orientation to try and get what you want. No, I'm not being sarcastic. I love it when people like you lie and act like self-righteous dicks. And I'd hate to see you escorted out of the store.

Apparently, if it wasn't for you, I'd have no job. Nevermind my manager, my co-workers, other customers, and other companies that are involved here. I know if your spoiled bitch ass didn't shop here, I'd be completely screwed. Actually, you're not that important. You're a brainless twat who needs to grow up and grab a fucking attitude adjustment. Oh, wait...I'm sorry, I didn't realize! Let me help you. The pharmacy's down that way. They've got tampons, maxi pads and Tylenol on sale today. I can lend you some of mine, if you want. And I'm sorry, but I really don't care what gender you are!

You have yourselves a nice day. Assholes.

Boy howdy. I knew you were a lazy, ass-kissing, fat fucking piece of human garbage who just sits on his ass jerking off while everyone else covers your work for you, but never before was it as blatant as last night. I mean really, sending everyone home early and forcing me - alone - to cover all of their closing work while you literally sit there and play Snood on your cell phone, stopping to bitch every thirty seconds about how long I'm taking. Well guess what, fuckhead? It's your own damn fault. You sent everyone else home before their job was done just to make me do it, and you're not doing a single goddamn thing to help. You're literally doing FUCKING NOTHING but running up time on the clock just so you can get paid for doing fuck-all under the pretense of being a "supervisor". You would rather do NOTHING than your own damn job, and the more you get to make me suffer (because I don't kiss your ass constantly, I'm betting), the more you get off on it.

Well the fun times are over, my friend. Your ass is officially reported to the general manager of the company. Good luck finding a new job while you're behind payments on thousands of dollars of credit card debt, have a rap sheet full of drug offenses and got fired from your last job in a shit economy for REFUSING TO WORK. Now either die of a heart attack or buy a revolver and brain yourself already.

I knew you were pretty mean and had shit people skills, but you're sinking to new fucking lows as the days go on! First, you were fired for your horrible attitude towards your assistants, employees, other companies' employees, and even customers. Why it took over 9 fucking years for this to happen, I don't know. But, whatever. Your psychotic harassment bullshit is over. Or, so I thought!

It seems you're a little stalker bitch! Before you were kicked out, one of your favorite targets quit because she couldn't take your shit anymore. Once you were out, you started asking where she'd applied for work. Then you applied to the same fucking places! Of course, you accepted a job where she was offered one! Too bad for you, bitch, she found out what happened to you AND what you were up to. She's back at her old job, which is now under much friendlier management. You then quit your new job after two weeks, since your "friend" wasn't working there! If that's not creepy stalking, I don't know what is!

So, now you come shopping in the store we work in. Not that you didn't before, but you shop there WAY more than you used to. And now you're writing stuff in the store's comment box about employees you didn't like. Of course, you don't name names, but it's pretty fucking obvious who you're talking about. I DO agree with some of the stuff you've mentioned: no, people should NOT be leaving their stations to go and recline on the furniture displays, nor should they be sitting behind their station during busy times. But fucking hell, the fact that you're going into dickhead customer territory is scary. What next? Bullshit complaints about how we shouldn't leave our stations to get supplies, or have a friendly chat with the manager when she comes by? I bet it's not long before you try to make EVERYONE'S lives hell through that box.

Fuck you. Seriously. Quit acting so retarded and grow the fuck up. You're not doing yourself any favors.

Why, yes, I'm technically new at this place. Yes, there are some things I don't know about. And yes, I'm only 27 while you're 50, 60, 70, whatthefuckever. This does not give you the fucking right to act like a condescending bitch and give me (and other co-workers!) mini-lectures about how things are done. If anyone's going to tell me how to do the job, it's our manager and her assistants! And here's a little tip for you: I worked here for SEVEN years in the past! Surprise! I quit 2 years ago because the last manager was a psycho bitch who went out of her way to make employees miserable, even after she was "asked" to leave (which is a story for another day).

Since I'm feeling so generous right now, here are a few other tips for you:

- Clean up begins at 5:00. Not at 4:45, not at 4:50. FIVE O'FUCKING CLOCK. When you walk by my table with all your shit packed up at 4:55, give me confused/dirty looks, and tell me that people want to get everything done early, I get pissed off. I know this isn't the best job in the world, but it won't fucking hurt you to take it a little more seriously. Why should I worry, though? If the company you're representing sends someone in to make sure rules are being followed, your ass is busted, not mine.

- We are paid until 6:00 (8:30 or later if we get the evening shifts). So quit fucking prancing out of the store 15 minutes early with the excuses "I did my share of work already!" or "I need to get groceries!" Seriously, fuck you. You're not above everyone else. We all want to leave, so do like the rest of us do: shut your fucking mouth, help get things put away, and fucking COPE.

- We have an AMAZING manager and SUPER WONDERFUL assistant managers. If they let you know you're doing something wrong, having a tantrum and bitching them out makes you look SO. FUCKING. RETARDED. You don't often get management this nice, so quit fucking chewing them out when you make mistakes!

- Yes, I do things differently than you do. Like I said above, I worked here for 7 years. Things have changed a bit while I've been gone, but I'll manage. I'm capable of doing so without your "advice." So quit fucking changing EVERYTHING around at my station if you're covering my break! For fuck's sake, you can't deal with my setup for 30 fucking minutes? It can't possibly be that hard! I don't pull this shit with you, so why do you CONSTANTLY do it with me?

My brain needs a rest. Fuck you.

HEY ASSHOLE! STOP TROLLING FOR ASS ON THE COMPUTER AT WORK!!

We broke into your account and locked you out. You didn't get the message.
We changed the account's e-mail address to your work address. You didn't get the message.
We installed filtering software and blocked all your favorite dirty sites. You didn't get the message.
WHAT THE FUCK IS IT GOING TO TAKE??
DO WE REALLY NEED TO TELL THE BOSS YOU CAN'T KEEP YOUR DICK IN YOUR PANTS??
You know it's wrong because you deleted the browsing history for fuck's sake!

Why the fuck is it MY problem when some OTHER employee I have no jurisdiction over refuses to follow the rules? This stupid Mexican asshat always comes in a good twenty minutes late, leaves whenever the fuck he wants, eats in the middle of the kitchen, never punches out for breaks (which he takes about six of every day despite working a four-hour shift, TOPS) and constantly foists his work off on other people, but does he get fired? Does he get written up? Does he even get a fucking slap on the wrist? Fuck no! You just blame it all on ME instead! Or barring that, you just watch me like a hawk and criticize me for every minor, inconsequential slip-up I make. Oh no, I punched in ONE MINUTE behind my scheduled time! Ride my ass for it! Oh no, fuckface here failed to wash his hands before handling clean dishes! Somehow this is MY fault for not dropping whatever I'm in the middle of and doing it for him! Not to mention that I constantly see you and your chefs preparing food without gloves on or eating in the middle of the kitchen, so you're just a bastion of hypocrisy, aren't you.

And don't fucking tell me it's because you don't speak Spanish. You know damn well that several of your employees are bilingual, YOUR OWN DAMN SON INCLUDED, and can convey whatever you need to say. And no, I am not one of them, so don't give me that heap of shit either. Christ, you could have solved this problem months ago by punching "You're Fired" into Babelfish, hitting Print and then handing it to him. But why be smart when you can be lazy and shift the blame onto someone else for as long as humanly possible, right?

Christ almighty. If you're going to have a stringent policy about cleanliness and being on time, then how about you at least enforce it FAIRLY? Can you do that, fucko? Oh wait, what am I saying? Of course you can't. You're just going to continue to let this asshole get away with anything and scold me for every minor slipup HE makes as some pathetic way to get revenge. Well, eat a dick, pal. How about I just tip off the health department anonymously and watch you get you slapped with a hefty fine and a temporary shutdown? I guarantee this shit will stop really damn fast after that.

jesus christ how am i supposed to make kids monkeys and dildos out of thinass balloons if the fuckers pop faster than a disney starlet's cherry?

FUCK job interviews. Fuck them HARRRRD. Why? They're broken wastes of time that cater to bullshit artists!

That rude bitch who doesn't pay attention and blames you for fucking up the order? She passed her job interview. That obnoxious ass-kisser who treats his co-workers like shit and does fuck all to help out during busy times? Somehow passed the interview! The clueless one who tries to look busy because she has no idea what's going on? Passed the fucking interview. The arrogant prick manager who treats employees AND customers like trash, but fucks one employee on the side and promotes her repeatedly? Passed. The. Interview.

This load of horsedick works in reverse, too! That girl who learns things really damned fast and is willing to work ANY shift there is? Didn't pass the interview because her answer to a question unrelated to the position was wrong. That guy who can get a raging pissed person to calm down in a heartbeat without freaking out? Failed the interview because he couldn't answer a retarded trap/think quick question such as: "What wage are you looking for?" "If you were a car, what brand would you be?" "If you were shrunk down to the size of a pencil and put in a blender, how would you get out?" That guy who fits the job perfectly and would be capable of transferring to another area if needed? Didn't pass the interview because he sent a thank you note to the interviewer to thank her for her time and consideration.

I thought job interviews were supposed to prevent this cockfuckery from happening, but I guess not! Desperate employers will hire ANYONE that applies, even assholes and brain donors. Employers looking to fill a few positions will turn away great people that didn't jump and frolic through spiked, flaming, spinning hoops. Someone please fucking ban job interviews.