HEY ASSHOLE! STOP TROLLING FOR ASS ON THE COMPUTER AT WORK!!

We broke into your account and locked you out. You didn't get the message.
We changed the account's e-mail address to your work address. You didn't get the message.
We installed filtering software and blocked all your favorite dirty sites. You didn't get the message.
WHAT THE FUCK IS IT GOING TO TAKE??
DO WE REALLY NEED TO TELL THE BOSS YOU CAN'T KEEP YOUR DICK IN YOUR PANTS??
You know it's wrong because you deleted the browsing history for fuck's sake!

I fuckin' suck at what I love doing. Or at least used to love. Fuck!

I've started watching a show that's made in the USA, but I missed the first few episodes. That's okay, the company who broadcasts it has all the episodes up for free on their website! I'll just load one up and--

"We're sorry. You cannot view this content because you are currently outside the United States."

Are you fucking kidding me? Region-locks on FREE content? What the hell is the point? For fuck's sake, I'm in Canada, the country right above yours! The only differences between us are that we Canadians drink a fuckton of maple syrup and have government-funded healthcare, while you guys can buy booze in a grocery store and have access to a bunch of kickass stuff! Hell, the show is broadcast here by the Canadian branch of your company! I'd go watch the episodes I missed on THEIR site, but they only have 2 fucking episodes posted. And I've seen both!

Can't buy music I want off of music sites. Can't watch a few missed episodes of a TV show. Can't buy certain things online at all, or without paying insane shipping fees. Region-locks all over the fucking place! This is why pirating exists, assholes.

And now, some tips for female gamers out there, because I'm sick of the retarded ones who keep making us look bad.


1. THOU SHALT NOT INSIST BEING A FEMALE GAMER IS IMPORTANT

What does it mean to be a female gamer? Uh...jack fucking shit, that's what! Please, pull your dumb ass out of the 90's and enter 2012. Female gamers are not rare anymore, so please stop acting like we're an endangered species. When you have to repeatedly tell people you are indeed a woman, you are asking to be mocked and it's your own fucking fault. I know there are some people out there who are absolutely stunned and overly interested when they hear a female voice over the mic; however, these people are usually teenage boys or men looking to get laid. The rest of the gamer population does not give a single, flying FUCK that you're female. They just want to play their games.


2. THOU SHALT NOT ACT LIKE A WHORE WHILE MAKING VIDEOS

You want to be taken seriously? Well, put your tits away you dirty little ho, and talk about videogames! Every video I've seen that's trying to make female gamers look special goes like this: said "GIRL GAMER!!!" is babbling asinine bullshit while wearing a revealing top, and the camera is centered in such a way that her cleavage is quite visible. If you're going to make videos, you get out of the stripper outfit, put on some damned clothing, and find something to talk about other than how you're a fucking "GIRL GAMER!!!" Review a game, show some gameplay tips for your favorite character, do something other than another fucking "What it means to be a female gamer LOOK AT ME!!!" video.


3. THOU SHALT NOT JOIN FEMALE-ONLY CLANS/GROUPS/TEAMS

...unless you want to be trolled. You look like a dumb bitch who's desperate for attention when you join these groups. And you may get attention from people, but not the kind you're hoping for. If you're expecting people to go "Oh my! A girl gamer! This is such a super rare treat! How amazing!" you're going to be extremely disappointed. One of 3 things will happen: no one will give a shit; guys full of hormones will repeatedly ask you dumb questions or hit on you; people will insult and troll you for being a stupid bitch. And you may have joined a "ladies only" group, but there are some guys out there who are VERY good at pretending to be women. Have fun with that!


4. THOU SHALT GROW THE HELL UP

If you're expecting special treatment because you have titties, then get the fuck out and never come back. You are an embarassment, and should be utterly ashamed of yourself. And if you dare cry "SEXIST!" to a male gamer while you constantly make shitty remarks about men and whore yourself out, FUCK YOU. I hope your T&A sag before you're 35, and I hope that maybe one day you'll be less of a retarded skank bitch. If you want equal treatment, then start acting like you do.

That is all.

Jesus, Gamestop. You were already a dank, depressing cunt of a store, but your latest experience is the worst I've ever had. Yeah, worse than the guy who accused me of using your store as a "free Blockbuster" because I apparently returned one game too many over the course of a few months. That's great customer service there. Did that guy get fired for being a rude, unprofessional asshole? Oh wait, no, he didn't. He's managing a new store and calling all the shots for how every store in a 50 mile radius should be run. Great management runs deep in this company.

Anyway, my tale this time around: I bought a stack of three Xbox games (the Dead Rising trilogy) and one particularly rare Wii game (Metroid Prime Trilogy). All pristine and non-Greatest Hits as far as I could tell. So I bring the game up, go thorugh the usual rigamarole of turning down preorders for overrated shit like Mass Effect and your retarded "discount card", and leave the store.

Then I get home and look at what I got. First of all, Off the Record looks fucking terrible for a "new" game. The case is half-destroyed and barely holding together. I had to dig out an old case and swap everything over only to discover that the cracked plastic from the old case punctured a hole in the slip cover. How the fuck do you let that happen to a NEW game sitting in a drawer?

Second of all, I brought up a non-GH copy of Dead Rising 1, then I get home and it's a Greatest Hits copy. Thanks for the bait-and-switch marketing there, you fucking idiots.

Third, and perhaps worst, Metroid Prime Trilogy - which is, again, the most expensive of the four games I bought - was NOT SECURED in its packaging, greatly increasing the risk of it being damaged or destroyed in transit. This shit takes literally ONE SECOND and you couldn't be bothered to do it. Fortunately, it was not damaged, but knowing your lovely customer service, you'd probably just blame the on me and I'd be out seventy bucks.

The one highlight of this disastrous outing was the copy of Dead Rising 2. Perhaps my a miracle of God, it was as a used game and its packaging should be - the original packaging (not one of your cheap shitty generic cases - why do you even have those fucking things? Just turn down shit that isn't in presentable, complete condition like any respectable game store) in relatively good shape and not at risk of being destroyed in transit. Yeah, one game out of four was as advertised. 25%. One quarter. That's an F even by the appallingly low standards of our education system.

So how can you improve my experience for next time? How about this: Replace your staff of minimum-wage retards with trained ferrets. That would be totally awesome. A little stinkier, yes, but hey, it would cost less for you in the long run (you wouldn't have to give them benefits, and buying a bag of food and some sawdust once in a while is a lot cheaper than paying a bunch of idiots seven bucks an hour to stand around playing with themselves), and at least then I wouldn't have to have overrated shlock like Mass Effect shoved down my throat every time I try to purchase Gamecube games, nor would I have to get browbeaten into buying your shitty magazine every time I so much think about looking at used games (gee, a magazine owned and operated by a GAME STORE, I'm sure they're a trustworthy source and wouldn't just say anything to get me to buy dogshit like Dead Space and Kane and Lynch 2). Plus hell, who wouldn't love to buy a copy of Mario Kart 7 from a ferret? People would line up around the block for that shit, myself included.

You think your so above all the bull. "Oh look at us were so transcendent, we're better and smarter than everyone." Shut the hell up you're just a couple of attention whores trying to get everyone to think your smart. I got news for you jackasses. You failed most of your classes I know you told me. You wanna be so cynical, go ahead. but stop complaining about everyone shoving their beliefs down your throats, because your alot worse than them. And frankly noone gives a damn. So SHUT THE HELL UP.

Dear Society,

Of all the retarded, ignorant, worthless ass-fucks out there, you are the biggest one. I have no idea why some people love you so much, because I've seen festering piles of shit that are more attractive than you are. I have no idea why you evolved the way you did; it's disgusting and depressing how you've turned out. I have no idea if you can be helped, or if you even want to be helped. Why do I hate you so much? It's the way you fuck people over and fuck yourself over. And you NEVER STOP DOING IT.

You worship people who you define as "beautiful." This is the biggest load of shit, let me tell you. By your definition, beautiful women fit into a size 0, weigh less than 100 pounds, wear make-up, have an hour-glass shape, need a D cup bra, and have blonde hair. Beautiful men have great muscle definition, a nice voice, a big dick, and shining hair, are between 20 and 40 years old, and wear jeans. People who don't look like this can rarely compete with people who do, even if they are better in everything but appearance. Some of these "good lookers" are egotistical, vapid whores who do fuck all for anyone but themselves. This is apparently okay. What a fucking joke.

Your treatment of shy or creative people is fucking sick. Apparently, being anything slightly less than outgoing is unacceptable, and will cause struggles throughout life. And anyone who has good ideas that are against the norm are a threat. So, since these people are trash, let's make way for those who are happy to stand out by being obnoxious cunts, and the mindless clones who desperately try to be like them. When's the last time you've heard of a shy person blowing up at a customer, vandalizing stuff, or getting into trouble in order to get attention? And have you ever seen the usual batch of fantards even hint at wanting a slight change to their favorite things, even if they're in dire need of change? If you've seen any of this, I'd be really fucking surprised. But, again, this seems to be okay.

Let's not forget the way you're constantly shitting on anyone who isn't in the super wealthy class of people. I have to know: why the fuck are the people who make $100 000+ per year the ones getting huge bonuses and perks? Why is it that teachers, police, retail staff, and the homeless have some of the hardest stuff to go through, but are constantly screwed out of money or extra help? Oh, right. Those people in the upper class would probably wither and die if they couldn't live in their $22 million home and drive one of their $80 000 cars to the local Starbucks every day. And wouldn't you know it, this seems to be just fine, too.

You know, people say "Society is so great and wonderful." These people are full of shit (or drugs), and are probably some of the people you deem "worthy." If you really were great, we wouldn't have rant sites like this, where we can point out what a useless piece of shit you are. Maybe if you'd let us "trashier" people run things for a while, you'd actually be more tolerable. Of course, that probably won't happen for a long time, since looks, attitude, and money are so important to you. Until you actually change: screw you, fucker.

No love,
Me, Myself, and I.

Blah, blah, fucking blah. Hunter knew his work deserved better treatment and gave this inflated bitch a literary flailing for giving him any less. That said, stop sucking this man's cock. Thompson is dead and gone, and I doubt he would care about this letter's reception much more than he did the ammunition that he brained himself with. He wasn't a legendary writer; he simply used abrasive polish where most weak-minded hacks nostalgically glossed over. He had a way with words few do or ever will, but a literary giant does not that make. Sadly, his body of work will be legendary - not because of its significant quality and insight - but because cocksucking, hipster-cred-seeking meatbag swine will continue to add his name to their "My Favorite Authors" columns on Facebook and the like while they read little to none of his work. This is basically rubbing his ashes on your face and proclaiming, "I AM GONZO TOO!" No you fucking are not. You are swine. You are pigs-in-waiting that want to posture themselves as something you collectively cannot grasp. It isn't an Acapulco shirt you can put on, it isn't your shiny "Bid Red Shark" automobile, it isn't the rum in your glass nor the cigarettes in your pipe stem, and if you think you have it, you should blow your brains out too. It died with Hunter because he knew pigs and all manner of terrible beasts would try to align themselves with something they feared because they lacked the power to comprehend, the "true grit." In all manifestations of the phrase, he was essentially telling all of you (not just this lazy bitch) soulless fad-seekers out there not willing to commit to anything to go fuck yourselves (much better than I or anyone else can). Put on another mask and decorate your swine shell with insecurities, if only to cover your piggy features from discerning eyes. Make no mistake, THE WORLD SEES YOU FOR WHAT YOU ARE AND WE WILL KILL YOU FOR IT. Nothing is so bad as humans lacking identity and even more the originality to make their own. Thieving, lying swine. Fuck you all.

http://boingboing.net/2010/10/05/hunter-s-thompsons-1.html

Go kill yourself you fucking elitist shit-eater.

Can we all shut the fuck up about Star Wars already? We all know that the original trilogy are cinematic classics and that the prequels are poorly written, terribly acted tragedies and that 98% of their run time is nothing but overused, unconvincing CGI. But for Christ's sake, let it go already. Quit throwing a tantrum over every new iteration of the franchise that further butchers what little of your childhood nostalgia remains, it just ain't that important. Buy the original trilogy's theatrical releases on DVD (readily available everywhere for dirt cheap now), throw away the prequels, and move on with your life. Who knows, you might just find something a lot better to follow if you don't spend every spare minute obsessing over every minutae of Anakin Skywalker's shitty characterization (and there are plenty of better franchises out there, believe me).