I just love it when some self-righteous dipshit has to shoot down every opinion I ever express about anything. Not because we happen to have absolutely nothing in common, but because said person is an asshead who has nothing better to fill his time with than twisting my words around and throwing them back in my face with a bunch of malformed punctuation and spelling errors. Oh yeah, and calling me a "faggot" or a homosexual while they're at it; because as we all know, not caring for a certain brand of remote control is a direct result of living a lifestyle that does not sit well with the values embraced by swastika-garbed rednecks.

I bet you've encountered one of this type too. You bring up absolutely ANY topic and then, lo and behold, something they had NO OPINION on five minutes ago is now something for them to argue and bitch and whine about incessantly. They argue and insult solely for the sake of inflaming anyone they can for any reason they can, regardless of whether or not they know what the hell you're talking about. If you happen to agree with them, they find some flaw in your sentence structure, twist its meaning completely out of proportion, and suddenly turn you into an enemy just to spark an argument. I wouldn't mind it so much if this was something that happened once or twice a month. But in every instance I've seen of this, they literally DO NOTHING ELSE. They're at their computer morning, afternoon and night, waiting for anyone to slip up and express any opinion so they can fire another chunk of shit in their eye. And in the absence of that, they just scan news sites and message boards full of 13 year olds and fill up the room with incessant bitching about every single article in an attempt to spark up controversy so they can continue their stupid bullshit.

Oh, and I love the argument "I refuse to view [random argument] as anything else." So it's no longer a matter of whether you're right or wrong about something, it's whether you choose to acknowledge the arguments set forth by your opponent? Kiss the darkest part of my white ass.

I don't know why people get so lathered up over a bad review of a fucking children's video game. If you think the game looks fun and you want to try it, then just try the damn thing. Borrow it from a friend. Rent it from Netflix. Download the demo on Xbox Live. And if you already own the game, what the hell are you doing reading reviews of it anyway? You've already pretty clearly made your choice about it, so why the hell do you care what some random jagoff you'll never meet thinks? It's a bad review fucking VIDEO GAME, not a grave insult to your family line. Get some real fucking problems to worry about.

Why is it that people continually recommend me games that they refuse to play themselves? They go on and on and on about how WONDERFUL and INNOVATIVE and EXCELLENT Uncharted is, but then I look on their PSN profile and see it's not even listed. Uncharted 2 is, but it has 0% of the trophies unlocked. And don't tell me it's just because you "don't care about trophies" - you haven't even gotten one for mundane shit like killing enemies or finishing a single level. You flat out just haven't played the game. Hell, I'VE played more of the game than you have, so don't lecture me about how I "haven't given it a fair chance" when I say it sucks.

And no, I'm not going to buy fucking Heavy Rain. I suffered through enough of that FMV game shit on the PC and Sega CD back in the early 90s. I did my time. I wasted my parents' money. I went running back to GOOD games on the SNES, like Earthbound, Donkey Kong Country and Super Mario RPG. Why did Sony even think this genre was worthwhile enough to revive? Why did anyone even think to buy it? I can count all the good FMV games ever made on one FINGER.

I'm done. I'm out. Let us never speak of that dark era of gaming again.

Oh what, you treat me like trash for literally months, whispering profane shit at me every time you walk past and bitching about every single thing I do or don't do out loud enough that EVERYONE INCLUDING ME CAN FUCKING HEAR IT, and now you act like we're friends and invite me out to go drinking with you? Is it some desperate attempt to earn my forgiveness or something? Because I know from experience that you're going to go right back to this unprofessional, childish horseshit within a week regardless. You want to do something nice this holiday season, go empty out your speedball stash and play in traffic. Asshole.

Ya know, I was okay with the vague notion that sometimes you looked at dog porn on the computer at work when no one else was up there. But now, you're actively trolling for ass and there's a picture of your dick in the internet history. That's fucking gross! I'm not saying you have to stop (although I can assure you that everyone at work knows about your disgusting habits, and we would appreciate it if you kept it in your pants while at work), but I am saying that it would be nice if you could learn to use the private browsing feature. I'm content with out of sight and out of mind. Also, I'm the biggest pervert you'll ever meet, so if I think what you're doing is inappropriate, you should know that you're way fucking out of line!

Holy shit the college stormed my dorm room and set fire to my pile of unwashed anime t-shirts and posters saying it was a "helath hazard". Literally farenheit 451 horseshit going on here.

why can"T I BE A FUCKING HORSE???

fuck a parent all i want to do with all my life is pop wheelies on mine bike wy can't i attache the loan mower motar to the chain and then get hella speeds up a ramp at the perfect angle i just want mad air in my thick hair and my wick in that pussy lair

i just want jump things on a bike oaky

FUCK job interviews. Fuck them HARRRRD. Why? They're broken wastes of time that cater to bullshit artists!

That rude bitch who doesn't pay attention and blames you for fucking up the order? She passed her job interview. That obnoxious ass-kisser who treats his co-workers like shit and does fuck all to help out during busy times? Somehow passed the interview! The clueless one who tries to look busy because she has no idea what's going on? Passed the fucking interview. The arrogant prick manager who treats employees AND customers like trash, but fucks one employee on the side and promotes her repeatedly? Passed. The. Interview.

This load of horsedick works in reverse, too! That girl who learns things really damned fast and is willing to work ANY shift there is? Didn't pass the interview because her answer to a question unrelated to the position was wrong. That guy who can get a raging pissed person to calm down in a heartbeat without freaking out? Failed the interview because he couldn't answer a retarded trap/think quick question such as: "What wage are you looking for?" "If you were a car, what brand would you be?" "If you were shrunk down to the size of a pencil and put in a blender, how would you get out?" That guy who fits the job perfectly and would be capable of transferring to another area if needed? Didn't pass the interview because he sent a thank you note to the interviewer to thank her for her time and consideration.

I thought job interviews were supposed to prevent this cockfuckery from happening, but I guess not! Desperate employers will hire ANYONE that applies, even assholes and brain donors. Employers looking to fill a few positions will turn away great people that didn't jump and frolic through spiked, flaming, spinning hoops. Someone please fucking ban job interviews.

If you don't like my articles, then fine. If you want to send me a bitchy e-mail whining about how you found my review of a children's video game personally offensive, then fine. But can you at least try to look reasonably intelligent and literate while you do it? If every third word you type is "fuck" and your entire e-mail is one run-on sentence with no periods or capital letters, I reserve the right to completely ignore you. Put your two working brain cells toward something more productive. Like huffing Drano.

Oh, and if you're threatening death and dismemberment over a negative review of a video game, you really, REALLY need to get a fucking life. And some electroshock therapy.