And now, some tips for female gamers out there, because I'm sick of the retarded ones who keep making us look bad.


1. THOU SHALT NOT INSIST BEING A FEMALE GAMER IS IMPORTANT

What does it mean to be a female gamer? Uh...jack fucking shit, that's what! Please, pull your dumb ass out of the 90's and enter 2012. Female gamers are not rare anymore, so please stop acting like we're an endangered species. When you have to repeatedly tell people you are indeed a woman, you are asking to be mocked and it's your own fucking fault. I know there are some people out there who are absolutely stunned and overly interested when they hear a female voice over the mic; however, these people are usually teenage boys or men looking to get laid. The rest of the gamer population does not give a single, flying FUCK that you're female. They just want to play their games.


2. THOU SHALT NOT ACT LIKE A WHORE WHILE MAKING VIDEOS

You want to be taken seriously? Well, put your tits away you dirty little ho, and talk about videogames! Every video I've seen that's trying to make female gamers look special goes like this: said "GIRL GAMER!!!" is babbling asinine bullshit while wearing a revealing top, and the camera is centered in such a way that her cleavage is quite visible. If you're going to make videos, you get out of the stripper outfit, put on some damned clothing, and find something to talk about other than how you're a fucking "GIRL GAMER!!!" Review a game, show some gameplay tips for your favorite character, do something other than another fucking "What it means to be a female gamer LOOK AT ME!!!" video.


3. THOU SHALT NOT JOIN FEMALE-ONLY CLANS/GROUPS/TEAMS

...unless you want to be trolled. You look like a dumb bitch who's desperate for attention when you join these groups. And you may get attention from people, but not the kind you're hoping for. If you're expecting people to go "Oh my! A girl gamer! This is such a super rare treat! How amazing!" you're going to be extremely disappointed. One of 3 things will happen: no one will give a shit; guys full of hormones will repeatedly ask you dumb questions or hit on you; people will insult and troll you for being a stupid bitch. And you may have joined a "ladies only" group, but there are some guys out there who are VERY good at pretending to be women. Have fun with that!


4. THOU SHALT GROW THE HELL UP

If you're expecting special treatment because you have titties, then get the fuck out and never come back. You are an embarassment, and should be utterly ashamed of yourself. And if you dare cry "SEXIST!" to a male gamer while you constantly make shitty remarks about men and whore yourself out, FUCK YOU. I hope your T&A sag before you're 35, and I hope that maybe one day you'll be less of a retarded skank bitch. If you want equal treatment, then start acting like you do.

That is all.

Jesus, Gamestop. You were already a dank, depressing cunt of a store, but your latest experience is the worst I've ever had. Yeah, worse than the guy who accused me of using your store as a "free Blockbuster" because I apparently returned one game too many over the course of a few months. That's great customer service there. Did that guy get fired for being a rude, unprofessional asshole? Oh wait, no, he didn't. He's managing a new store and calling all the shots for how every store in a 50 mile radius should be run. Great management runs deep in this company.

Anyway, my tale this time around: I bought a stack of three Xbox games (the Dead Rising trilogy) and one particularly rare Wii game (Metroid Prime Trilogy). All pristine and non-Greatest Hits as far as I could tell. So I bring the game up, go thorugh the usual rigamarole of turning down preorders for overrated shit like Mass Effect and your retarded "discount card", and leave the store.

Then I get home and look at what I got. First of all, Off the Record looks fucking terrible for a "new" game. The case is half-destroyed and barely holding together. I had to dig out an old case and swap everything over only to discover that the cracked plastic from the old case punctured a hole in the slip cover. How the fuck do you let that happen to a NEW game sitting in a drawer?

Second of all, I brought up a non-GH copy of Dead Rising 1, then I get home and it's a Greatest Hits copy. Thanks for the bait-and-switch marketing there, you fucking idiots.

Third, and perhaps worst, Metroid Prime Trilogy - which is, again, the most expensive of the four games I bought - was NOT SECURED in its packaging, greatly increasing the risk of it being damaged or destroyed in transit. This shit takes literally ONE SECOND and you couldn't be bothered to do it. Fortunately, it was not damaged, but knowing your lovely customer service, you'd probably just blame the on me and I'd be out seventy bucks.

The one highlight of this disastrous outing was the copy of Dead Rising 2. Perhaps my a miracle of God, it was as a used game and its packaging should be - the original packaging (not one of your cheap shitty generic cases - why do you even have those fucking things? Just turn down shit that isn't in presentable, complete condition like any respectable game store) in relatively good shape and not at risk of being destroyed in transit. Yeah, one game out of four was as advertised. 25%. One quarter. That's an F even by the appallingly low standards of our education system.

So how can you improve my experience for next time? How about this: Replace your staff of minimum-wage retards with trained ferrets. That would be totally awesome. A little stinkier, yes, but hey, it would cost less for you in the long run (you wouldn't have to give them benefits, and buying a bag of food and some sawdust once in a while is a lot cheaper than paying a bunch of idiots seven bucks an hour to stand around playing with themselves), and at least then I wouldn't have to have overrated shlock like Mass Effect shoved down my throat every time I try to purchase Gamecube games, nor would I have to get browbeaten into buying your shitty magazine every time I so much think about looking at used games (gee, a magazine owned and operated by a GAME STORE, I'm sure they're a trustworthy source and wouldn't just say anything to get me to buy dogshit like Dead Space and Kane and Lynch 2). Plus hell, who wouldn't love to buy a copy of Mario Kart 7 from a ferret? People would line up around the block for that shit, myself included.

You think your so above all the bull. "Oh look at us were so transcendent, we're better and smarter than everyone." Shut the hell up you're just a couple of attention whores trying to get everyone to think your smart. I got news for you jackasses. You failed most of your classes I know you told me. You wanna be so cynical, go ahead. but stop complaining about everyone shoving their beliefs down your throats, because your alot worse than them. And frankly noone gives a damn. So SHUT THE HELL UP.

Dear Society,

Of all the retarded, ignorant, worthless ass-fucks out there, you are the biggest one. I have no idea why some people love you so much, because I've seen festering piles of shit that are more attractive than you are. I have no idea why you evolved the way you did; it's disgusting and depressing how you've turned out. I have no idea if you can be helped, or if you even want to be helped. Why do I hate you so much? It's the way you fuck people over and fuck yourself over. And you NEVER STOP DOING IT.

You worship people who you define as "beautiful." This is the biggest load of shit, let me tell you. By your definition, beautiful women fit into a size 0, weigh less than 100 pounds, wear make-up, have an hour-glass shape, need a D cup bra, and have blonde hair. Beautiful men have great muscle definition, a nice voice, a big dick, and shining hair, are between 20 and 40 years old, and wear jeans. People who don't look like this can rarely compete with people who do, even if they are better in everything but appearance. Some of these "good lookers" are egotistical, vapid whores who do fuck all for anyone but themselves. This is apparently okay. What a fucking joke.

Your treatment of shy or creative people is fucking sick. Apparently, being anything slightly less than outgoing is unacceptable, and will cause struggles throughout life. And anyone who has good ideas that are against the norm are a threat. So, since these people are trash, let's make way for those who are happy to stand out by being obnoxious cunts, and the mindless clones who desperately try to be like them. When's the last time you've heard of a shy person blowing up at a customer, vandalizing stuff, or getting into trouble in order to get attention? And have you ever seen the usual batch of fantards even hint at wanting a slight change to their favorite things, even if they're in dire need of change? If you've seen any of this, I'd be really fucking surprised. But, again, this seems to be okay.

Let's not forget the way you're constantly shitting on anyone who isn't in the super wealthy class of people. I have to know: why the fuck are the people who make $100 000+ per year the ones getting huge bonuses and perks? Why is it that teachers, police, retail staff, and the homeless have some of the hardest stuff to go through, but are constantly screwed out of money or extra help? Oh, right. Those people in the upper class would probably wither and die if they couldn't live in their $22 million home and drive one of their $80 000 cars to the local Starbucks every day. And wouldn't you know it, this seems to be just fine, too.

You know, people say "Society is so great and wonderful." These people are full of shit (or drugs), and are probably some of the people you deem "worthy." If you really were great, we wouldn't have rant sites like this, where we can point out what a useless piece of shit you are. Maybe if you'd let us "trashier" people run things for a while, you'd actually be more tolerable. Of course, that probably won't happen for a long time, since looks, attitude, and money are so important to you. Until you actually change: screw you, fucker.

No love,
Me, Myself, and I.

Blah, blah, fucking blah. Hunter knew his work deserved better treatment and gave this inflated bitch a literary flailing for giving him any less. That said, stop sucking this man's cock. Thompson is dead and gone, and I doubt he would care about this letter's reception much more than he did the ammunition that he brained himself with. He wasn't a legendary writer; he simply used abrasive polish where most weak-minded hacks nostalgically glossed over. He had a way with words few do or ever will, but a literary giant does not that make. Sadly, his body of work will be legendary - not because of its significant quality and insight - but because cocksucking, hipster-cred-seeking meatbag swine will continue to add his name to their "My Favorite Authors" columns on Facebook and the like while they read little to none of his work. This is basically rubbing his ashes on your face and proclaiming, "I AM GONZO TOO!" No you fucking are not. You are swine. You are pigs-in-waiting that want to posture themselves as something you collectively cannot grasp. It isn't an Acapulco shirt you can put on, it isn't your shiny "Bid Red Shark" automobile, it isn't the rum in your glass nor the cigarettes in your pipe stem, and if you think you have it, you should blow your brains out too. It died with Hunter because he knew pigs and all manner of terrible beasts would try to align themselves with something they feared because they lacked the power to comprehend, the "true grit." In all manifestations of the phrase, he was essentially telling all of you (not just this lazy bitch) soulless fad-seekers out there not willing to commit to anything to go fuck yourselves (much better than I or anyone else can). Put on another mask and decorate your swine shell with insecurities, if only to cover your piggy features from discerning eyes. Make no mistake, THE WORLD SEES YOU FOR WHAT YOU ARE AND WE WILL KILL YOU FOR IT. Nothing is so bad as humans lacking identity and even more the originality to make their own. Thieving, lying swine. Fuck you all.

http://boingboing.net/2010/10/05/hunter-s-thompsons-1.html

Go kill yourself you fucking elitist shit-eater.

Can we all shut the fuck up about Star Wars already? We all know that the original trilogy are cinematic classics and that the prequels are poorly written, terribly acted tragedies and that 98% of their run time is nothing but overused, unconvincing CGI. But for Christ's sake, let it go already. Quit throwing a tantrum over every new iteration of the franchise that further butchers what little of your childhood nostalgia remains, it just ain't that important. Buy the original trilogy's theatrical releases on DVD (readily available everywhere for dirt cheap now), throw away the prequels, and move on with your life. Who knows, you might just find something a lot better to follow if you don't spend every spare minute obsessing over every minutae of Anakin Skywalker's shitty characterization (and there are plenty of better franchises out there, believe me).

What is with these idiots who think that just because they're a fan of a web series it gives them the right to talk out of their ass about it to anyone, up to and including its creator? The amount of arrogance and self-entitlement from these assholes is staggering.

"How dare you not release videos as fast as I say you should!" Yeah, because it's not like people have jobs, families, hobbies outside of their computer, and other daily life shit to deal with, to say nothing of the fact that most people who release regular web series' DO NOT GET PAID FOR THEIR WORK. AT ALL. Oh, they might have ad banners on their site or ads at the front of their videos, but you know what? Those really don't pay that much. Like, a few cents per view/click, at best. Usually just enough to recoup costs for web space and bandwidth. That's right, they're doing this stuff for almost no profit or even FOR FREE and you still have the stones to complain about it. Fucking amazing. Who the fuck are you to make demands, anyway? You're not paying them a salary to release shit on a fixed schedule, so you can just shut the fuck up and wait like everyone else.

Another good one: "How dare you release exclusive content at a convention I didn't attend and post it on Youtube later!" Yeah, because that's a valid complaint. All you EVER do is sit in your parent's basement on a computer they bought and an internet connection they probably pay for, and reload LittleKuriboh's Youtube page waiting for him to post something. If it's that important that you see this shit the minute it's released, get a job, get some money and fly out to a convention he's attending. Or barring that, just be patient and wait the whole two day time gap out with World of Warcraft or whatever it is no-lifes like you play. Self-entitled fuck.

Or my favorite, the case of James Rolfe (AKA the Angry Video Game Nerd) and similar critics releasing DVDs of their work, so they can recoup a bit of money from their efforts and possibly finance future episodes and projects. "FUCK THAT I'M NOT SPENDING MONEY ON SOMETHING THAT'S ONLINE FOR FREE". What the fuck! You spend all this time complaining that they don't release shit fast enough or their episode quality doesn't live up to your perfect, delicate standards. But then, when offered a chance to finance future episodes and improve quality so you can see MORE of your "favorite show" in the future, you just throw it right back in their face. You're a real piece of work, you know that? What kind of "true die-hard fan" doesn't even shell out a few dollars to support one of their favorite shows once in a while - even if you have no interest in the extra content on the DVD - to give something back to the creator at the very least? Oh, right - self-entitled assholes who think everything should be free.

Ah, and one more thing: If you're such a brilliant mind with a keen eye for quality, why aren't YOU releasing videos and "making mountains of money off ad space" and "not listening to your true loyal fans"? Oh, wait, I already know why. Because you have no ideas, no talent, and no skills in writing or video editing. You're just a self-entitled high school dropout sponging off his parents and thinking everyone else in the world somehow owes you a favor. Either that or an unfunny fourteen-year-old whose terrible knockoff review series/abridged anime series makes no money and gets dozens of negative comments a day, so you just lash out at your idols and their fans in a bout of immature, impotent rage. Grow the fuck up.

You know, I really shouldn't dread visiting with family. Actually, NOBODY should. But, it seems there's always that one relative (or several of them!) who makes you reach for the nearest bottle of 140 proof booze when they say "I'm coming for a visit!" Some people might wonder "How much of an insensitive prick are you that you don't even want to visit with your own family?!" Well, here's a list of the shit us "insensitive pricks" go through!

- The religious nuts! While they visit, they WILL try to start a "discussion" about how their religion is the BEST FUCKING ONE OUT THERE and how every other religion is utter heathen shit. Your opinion is trash if it's even slightly different from what the latest religious trend is, even if their info is from a scammer, parody website, or mindless fantards. Of course, they make their religion look fucking awful. And they wonder how some people can be agnostic or atheist!

- The "successful" snobs! It's such a fucking joy when these relatives visit. At some point, they WILL point out what a failure you are, either with insults, passive-aggressive bullshit, or comparisons to their other family members or friends. If you're not driving a $100 000 car and living in a huge house like Auntie Mina, you are SHIT. If you're not the manager of the local Starbucks and raising 6 kids in a trailer like Cousin Babette, you're stupid.

- The shit disturbers! During their visits, they go out of their way to make everyone totally fucking miserable: they show no respect for your possessions; they try to turn people against each other; they complain about everything; they ignore certain people for no good reason; they intentionally try to fuck up your work schedule; they let the kids draw on the walls with permanent markers and crayons. Hell, there's more they can do, but they always try to save one new stunt for their next visit.

- The snoops! If your stuff's not under lock, key, fireproof safe, and machine gun guard, it's fair game! These relatives go through your mail, your collections, your clothes, your "personal" items, your medicine cabinet, and whatever the fuck they feel like. They do not give one shit if it's confidential or personal. Sometimes, they'll even bring up their finds with other people. And heaven forbid you dig through their stuff, because they will tear your fucking head off if you do.

- The thieving bastards! Any time they visit, something will go missing from your home. It could be money, jewelry, books, toys, whatever. And if you call them on it, they will pitch a HUGE fucking tantrum. Of course, their immediate family will spring to their defense, and accuse you of misplacing things, because their sweetie would NEVER steal anything. And you wouldn't call the cops on family...would you?

- The surprise! They don't announce their visit until they're at your door or a close-by airport, bus depot, or ferry station. Of course, it's always when you have plans of your own and did not want to have any company at the time. But, that's okay! You're all family, and it'll be a fucking WONDERFUL visit if the surprise visitor is any (or SEVERAL) of the above types!


People try to be nice to these relatives in their families, so don't you fucking call them insensitive! And I KNOW you have at least one annoying/asshole relative in your family who makes you think "FUUUUCK, HOW LONG UNTIL THIS VISIT IS OVER?!" If you don't, it's because you're a little kid, a liar, or a lucky bastard.

FUCK YOU, SOPA. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOU. FUCK THE CUNTS AND ASSWHORES WHO THOUGHT YOU UP. FUCK THEM. FUCK THEM.

"It's a way to combat internet piracy" my ASS! This SOPA thing is just ASKING to be abused and will fuck people in the ass so hard the cum will shoot out their mouths and ears! If this bill fucking passes, HOLY FUCKING DOG SHIT, WE ARE FUCKED. All it'll take is some prick sitting on a fuckton of power to go "I think this is a piracy site and it should be shut down!" and KERSPOOGE! Bye bye, website! It was nice visiting you, even though you didn't have one FUCKING OUNCE of piracy-releated shit! It's like that ICE fuck-up that got people in loads of trouble because some fuckbox cried "THEY HAVE KIDDIE PORN! ATTACK ATTACK ATTACK!"

What the fuck is this? 1984? A third-world country? FUCKALADEE, NO. This is North America, where people are supposed to be free! Enough of the fucking censorship bullshit disguised as "security," "anti-piracy," and whatever the fuck else some random Sir Suxdacawk thinks up. You want to stop piracy? Then make the legal route for stuff less demanding and more appealing! I WANT to support artists, musicians, game developers, and all that other cool shit out there. But it's a real fucking problem with region locks (is daily currency conversion that fucking hard?), special software, shady sellers, and other fucking shitponds to wade through.

And you know what? All this SOPA bullshit will be a waste of money and resources because people will find a way to break through it! This is government fuckup-ery at its absolute finest.